blah blah blah...life sucks, blah blah blah. So I find out this afternoon at 4:00 if I get fired or not. It pisses me off quite a bit...it's for NO REASON. Jerry is fucking stupid and the worst director ever and I take back every positive thing that I have EVER said about John. I lost all respect for him (and it was a lot) the other night when I had to go into Jerry's office in the first place. Dez has her appointment at 3:30 so she will be finding out her fate before me. It just sucks. And all of that RIGHT when the god damn prelude decides to start acting up again. I don't know how I'm going to afford anything. I have my FIRST cell phone bill still due and that's going to be around $200 because of all of the hook up charges and that bogus shit, my loan, car insurance, my emergency room visit which is going to be outrageous...CT scan, blood work, spinal tap, plus the $125 just for going there. My dad has been wanting to help me take care of my bills and now it looks like he's going to have to...I hate that. I really do. But whatever. And Justin and I were looking at apartments on Tuesday, the very day that everything fell apart.

I guess it's not so bad. If I do get fired, I already talked to Keli at Americinn and she said just to let her know, I will have my job back and she still wants me for the weekend head housekeeper. So that's nice. And then Justin wants to work there with me, but she's not sure if she needs more than one person. And I just called her and I'm supposed to go out there in a little while...but I HAVE NO CAR. My mom has class in Boone until 10 I think it is...I hate my life.

Oh well...in other news...I think I need to go get tested for...everything. What else can I have? It might be mono. or they might just tell me it's a "virus" go home and rest. I hate being sick ALL THE TIME. I haven't felt great in...years. I just want one day when I don't have anything to complain about...no coughing, headaches, other random pains and aches...I think I may have a yeast infection which sucks and scares me a little. I went off of birth control because of a "hormone imbalance" and so Justin and I were using condoms and his sleeping bag man was getting irritated, so we decided not to have sex at all...for like 2 or 3 days until we both really wanted to do it...so we did anyway...and now here I am. The only reason it scares me about having a yeast infection is because that's how Torey found out that she was prego. I am NOT ready for that, especially considering I may be loosing my job that pays EXTREMELY well and has benefits...that's not okay. Justin's being a punk about work...he'd rather work like 49 part time jobs than just get a real job and I can't figure out why, he doesn't explain it. I think it's just because with PT jobs, he can see me throughout the day, or talk to me at least...with a real job he could only see or talk to me when he wasn't working. ISN'T THAT STUPID?!?!?!?!?! I love him, he's wonderful to me, but DAMN...I don't know. I'm not that awesome, I really don't get why he is so in love with me.

BLAH. I really don't care. I'm walking around in boxers and my MGMC shirt...I need to start unpacking my room and take a shower and then...do nothing..............absolutely nothing. Maybe I'll study. I am 100% positive that I FAILED my last test. And I got a D on the first one, so there's 3 tests left and I HAVE to do spectacularly on them.

I'm loosing weight and I love it. There's still like 5-10 vanity pounds that I wouldn't mind loosing, but that would require working out. Justin took me to the pool the other night for almost an hour and I swam laps the whole time...GOD IT FELT GREAT!!! I need to get a pass so that I can just go to Ames High and swim whenever I feel like it. That would be so nice. But I don't have the money to spend on one...I may be loosing my job. Fucking christ that sucks to think about. If this would've happened like 2 weeks from now, nothing could happen to me since I would be past 6 months. BUT NO. It's 5 1/2 months, so I can't get unimployment, I don't get paid out for my sick or vacation leave, WHICH I HAVEN'T USED HARDLY AT ALL.....
FUCKING SHIT.

The more I think about it the more angry I get...but oh well. My mind has wanted to quit smoking for a while now, but my body has FINALLY caught up. Not only have I not wanted a cigarette for the last few days, but my body hasn't CRAVED one. So that's sweet. At least something good is going on. My body doesn't want nicotine...

Hey, that would be my last addiction that I needed/wanted to give up. I'm so proud of myself...I've overcome so many things, although they've all been self-inflicted. But whatever, I'm strong enough to do them...and I did it by myself...so yay me. No more drinking, smoking weed, smoking cigarettes, DOPE...banging or smoking, coke...it's all gone...no more ex or mushrooms or acid....no more eating disorders...everything is about making myself healthy now. YAY!!! That actually made me smile...I was cringing at the same time though, that's a lot of not healthy stuff that I WAS putting into my body.

blah blah blah...yay me, I should go DO something productive.